MMH5 – Five Things If Apple Ran the Church
The Monday Morning High Five
Continuing our list of all things 5 to hopefully bring a smile to your Monday.
Apple has been known to do things well. A slogan for their products has been, “It just works”. Wouldn’t that be great for someone to say about the church? Apple could help us out on that “cool” appeal that we so desperately want. Hey, we’ve already got the smugness down. I thought I would suggest an alternate reality were Apple, Inc. wasn’t as much interested in computers as much as they were in church. Of course, the first thing to change would be the name.
So, welcome to the iChurch.
1. The Service – Before each Sunday, there would be a lot of hype and secrecy over what sermon is going to be preached and what the topic will be. “Will they talk about my sin?” “I hope we get an updated version of last year’s sermon.” Pundits, blogs, and “those familiar with the matter” would hypothesize and guess what’s going to be unveiled on Sunday. Disappointment and frustration typically ensues after the congregation finds out it’s not exactly what they wanted. Often, when you think that the sermon is over, you’ll hear, “Oh, there’s one more thing”, and you’re hit with another surprise final point.
2. The Book of Job – When referring to the book of Job, it must first be pronounced as it is spelled (Jawb) and no longer “Joeb”. If you feel the compulsion to add “Steve” in front of it and make it plural, no one will judge you.
3. The Building - The building would be a beautiful design to match the service. It would be made out of a solid, unibody piece of aluminum with a glowing Apple logo on the side. A
rtwork inside would be the depiction of Good vs Evil with these guys —>
4. Choir – The traditional choir robes would be replaced with black turtle necks, jeans, and white sneakers. Black or dark socks are preferred.
5. Song Service – During the worship service and before each song, a small offering is set that you can purchase each hymn for $1.29, or the entire song service for $9.99. iTunes gift cards are accepted.
Is there anything else that you would add to the iChurch?
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that is funny!
Thanks Sam
The members of the iChurch would be told to give 20% of their income instead of the usual 10% tithe, but they will then boast to other churches that theirs never gets broken into or defaced–it’s impossible.
Nice list- appreciate the smile today.
"they will then boast to other churches that theirs never gets broken into or defaced–it's impossible."
haha! that cracked me up!
It would have lots of white. White walls. White chairs. White all over the place. Because white is stunning and beautiful and simple.
And the people would probably be even more geeked out and elitist than ever. Just saying… :>)
Great post.
-Marshall Jones Jr.
My recent post 8 easy card games to rock any party… er, fellowship
Definitely a lot of white and probably a lot of gray too. haha!
Brilliant.
My recent post How Has God Changed You?
Thanks Danny!
hahaha…a lot of hype
Song books have been replaced by iPads; you can pay your tithe by debit card, but your receipt will be sent to you email to save trees; after you join the iChurch, you will receive one year of PastorCare for free, should you need him after the one year has past, you will need to purchase the extended PastorCare plan; personal developement, financial, and biblical study classes will be called Apps, "Problems in life? There's an App for that!"
This whole comment cracked me up. Especially the 1 year PastorCare. hahaha!
hilarious!
Gosh. There'd be so many turtlenecks. I dunno if I could take it all.
I keep picturing an army of steve jobs singing Handel's Messiah….all holding iPads.
Ha! Love the depiction of good and evil!
I figured you'd enjoy this one, Brian.
Very funny.
For some reason I really found the part about the sermon topic being a secret until it came out and everyone wondering what it was gonna be about really funny.
I think I would laugh more if I had one of those ipod thingys (I remain unconverted)
I am so surprised that you don't have one, knowing what a musicphile you are.
Brett – Great post! Really funny.
That's Rachel!
Kids would be scorned unless they had the top-of-the-line touchBible. The classicBible was so yesterday, the nanoBible is lame, and the shuffleBible is only for poor kids who's parents don't love them.
haha hilarious! Of course right after you bought the touchBible, they'd come out with the new touchBible with camera.
Of course, the sermons would all have to be podcasted
My recent post Evangelism or social justice?
of course. But only 4 hours after the service. lol
actually they'd probably be called keynotes rather than sermons
My recent post Evangelism or social justice?
haha! absolutely
I realize this is an old post – but it made me smile. I wrote one today, 5 Excuses for Preaching Too Long.
A surprise final point – ha!