MMH5 – Five Tips to Christianize Your Ride

The Monday Morning High Five

Continuing our list of all things 5 to hopefully bring a smile to your Monday.

I’m not one for car decorations. Not that I haven’t succumbed to the inspirations of the Fast and the Furious in the past and added some sweet Cleveland Browns static clings or stuck glow in the dark stickers on the ceiling of my car. However, now, outside the Tiki guy air freshner that hangs from my rear-view mirror, my car rides pretty plain.

That doesn’t mean though that I’m against “Christianizing” your vehicle, except some don’t know how to properly do it. Plus, there’s no point system to judge each other’s cars to determine who has the more Christian car. So today, that’s going to get fixed.

Get ready to bust out the calculators, because we’re going to have a little contest of our own. After you read this, total up your points, send in a pic of your vehicle to verify, and we’ll announce a winner.

photo by Travis Hornung

So here it is: Five Tips to Christianize Your Ride

1. Keychain – I figured I’d start with the basics. The keychain is like clothes for your keys. It represents what your locked stuff is all about.

• Simple cross +1
• Christian Acronym i.e. WWJD (What Would Jesus Do), FROG (Fully Rely on God), Push (Pray Until Something Happens), etc. +1
• “Jesus is my homeboy” -2 (lame)
• Engraved Bible verse somewhere +3
• Little Bible decal +2
• The Lord’s Prayer +1
• Something to do with human appendages i.e. Praying Hands or Footprints poem +3

2. Ichthus – Often called the “Jesus Fish”, is the ipso facto of Christian markings.

• Ichthus metal decal +1
• Ichthus metal decal with “Jesus” written inside +2
• Ichthus metal decal with “Ichthus” in Greek written inside +3
• Ichthus metal decal with “Darwin” written inside with feet -3 (you bought the wrong one)
• Ichthus metal decal eating “Darwin” fish +4
• Ichthus metal decal representing each member of the family (i.e. Two big ichthuses (?) for mom and dad and little ichthuses for each child) +3 (add +1 for each child and obeying the commandment to be fruitful and multiply)
• Ichthus sticker or static cling -1 (go out and buy the real thing!)

3. Bumper sticker - The bumper sticker is like a Hallmark card given by your car to a complete stranger. You didn’t write it, but you bought it with the intention to show it to someone else to basically point at it and say, “Yeah, what they said.”

• Some reference to the wife – “I love my wife” +1 (-4 if your wife put it on your car)
• Theologically unsound sticker – i.e. “Jesus is my co-pilot” -2 (If there was an option, I’d let Jesus drive)
• Taking mankind down a notch – i.e. “Noah’s Ark was built by amatuers, the Titanic was built by professionals. +2 (Ha! Take that James Cameron)
• Referencing the afterlife – i.e. “Christians Wanted: It’s a tough Job, but the retirement plan is unbelievable” +4
• Deep thought sticker – i.e. “‘Nietzsche is dead.’ -God” +2 (Hehe, philosophy humor)
• Referencing the rapture – i.e. “Warning: In event of Rapture, this vehicle will be unmanned” +1 (-5 if you have ever forgot to put your car in park, allowing it to be moving by itself, freaking a lot of people out with your unmanned vehicle)
• Trying to convict strangers by showing them how awesome you are with a sticker – i.e. “Real men love Jesus” +1 (-4 if your wife put it on your car)
• Evolution smack talk – i.e. “The Big Bang Theory: God said it, and BANG! It Happened” +2 (+10 with Ichthus metal decal eating “Dawin” fish combo!)

(*Note: Jon Acuff did a much better job at the Christian bumper sticker thing than I did. I had the idea of this post before he posted his and wasn’t going to post this until he copied my LOST idea; then I knew it was on like Donkey Kong! )

4. Extras – Here are some extras that you can add to accesorize your vehicle.

• Hitch cover – It’s got to be manly like take The Godfather and it becomes “God the Father” +2
• License Plate Cover – See above bumper sticker point system then add +1; +5 if it’s the name of your church.
• Christian Car Flag +3
• Big Back Window Sticker +4
• Custom License Plate +10 (Don’t forget to drop vowels i.e. “Blssd”, smash words and numbers together i.e. “4given”, or capture a phrase i.e. “C U at Chrch”)
• Other mode of transportation other than car bonus – i.e. motorcycle, boat, scooter, Big Wheels, etc. +10

5. Radio – This is more of a personal touch, but if you turn up the volume really loud, roll down your windows, or offer to drive others around, you can showcase this nifty little X factor.

• Station set to local Christian radio +1
• All memory preset buttons are set to the same local Christian radio station +3
• CD of your pastor’s sermon from last Sunday +4
• No radio because you choose to spend your time in the car and focus on prayer +5
• Christian book in audiobook form +3
• Silly Songs with Larry CD +2
• Silly Songs with Larry CD and you don’t have any children -2

So remember to to tally up your scores and send in the pics of your car and later we’ll…wait…(*holding fingers up to earpiece)…what’s this?…someone already has sent in a pic?…and they achieved the maximum amount of points available?…hold on we’re bringing up the image now…

Winner!

Well, congratulations. Thanks for playing, everyone. For fun though, you can still tell us your score in the comments. Oh and +5 for commenting. +10 for adding something new to the list. Make sure to add that into your total.

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