Continuing our list of all things 5 to hopefully bring a smile to your Monday.

When I was eleven years old, all I wanted was my own TV set for my room. I didn’t need anything special, just something to hook up my Nintendo Entertainment System for some uninterrupted Super Mario Bro/Duck Hunt action. So when Christmas time came, I had one thing on my list, and one thing only: a TV. I became a modern version of A Christmas Story. It absorbed my thoughts. On trips to Walmart, I would request to break free from my Mom, and “hangout in electronics”. From there I had the perfect set picked out: modern, sleek, and a reasonable size. This was the one that I would save the princess with.

photo by pictoscribe

Christmas was drawing closer. My anticipation weighed heavy on my adolescent mind. A few weeks before Christmas, I saw a rather large present in my parents room. Though I promised I wouldn’t peak, I felt that it wouldn’t hurt if I at least knew if the large gift was for me. Later, I got my chance.

One day my parents left me home alone for a short while. I snuck upstairs, pulled off the blanket that was “hiding” the large gift, and sure enough. Just as I suspected. A wrapped, large box with “To: Brett | From: Mom & Dad” on it. And it was written in my Dad’s handwriting! It must be it! But what if it was all a rouse? What if this was just some large box to fake me out? So I made my choice. It was better for me to know that it wasn’t a TV now, then to go on thinking it might be on Christmas. I pealed back the tape on one corner with the steady hands of a surgeon. Slowly. Focused. I looked under the flap. YES! My very own brand new TV! Still in the box it came in!

Christmas came, and the last present was up. My TV. “Act surprised” I told myself. I had been practicing my acting abilities in the mirror for days, and swore I could out act that Macaulay Culkin kid any day. I tore off the paper. *Gasp* “No way! My own brand new TV?! YAY!” Then came the dreaded “Well, before you get too excited…” from my father.

What happened was a friend of the family bought a new TV and was getting rid of her old one. My parents, not wanting me to spend my pre-teen life indoors staring at a screen all day, decided it was best to buy the old one and wrap it in the convenient, about to be tossed, new TV box. That 27″ brand new Magnovox box contained a 13″, barely color, TV from the ’70s.

That little life lesson taught me the value of experiencing the joy in being surprised. This has also carried with me in my thoughts about Heaven. I try not to think too much of it, because I don’t want to ruin the surprise. There are, however, moments found in everyday activities here on earth that give a glimpse as to what Heaven may be like, and it gets me thinking…

So here are Five Heaven on Earth Moments Found In Everyday Activities:

1. Changing into Sweatpants After Getting Home From Work – How great is it when you get home from a long day, and hop into your most comfortable pair of sweatpants? Add some slippers and a t-shirt, and you start to think that there’s a possibility that you may have a crush on your clothes. Sweatpants mean that you’re home. You aren’t going out. No meetings to sit through. No awkward activities with strangers. No drumming up conversation to fill the silence. Just you and your family. I think Heaven will be like this. Home with your family. Comfortable.

2. Eating Leftovers from a Good Meal That Is Somehow Better the Second Time - This happens often with pasta for me. Is a good lasagna somehow better after being in the fridge for the night? You bet! I think Heaven would be like this. Just when you thought things couldn’t get better…

3. Being Handed a Clean Sheet of Bubble Wrap and Not Sharing – First pop has to be the solo bubble. One single pop from somewhere in the middle with your thumb and index finger. The amusement of hearing that first “pop” is such a universal, pure joy. From there, it’s your move. You can twist, walk on it, scare your dog, be creative! If I can be happy with a sheet of bubble wrap, I can’t imagine what joy in Heaven will be like.

4. Sleeping in Freshly Washed Sheets, Blankets, and Pillow Cases – I love jumping into a bed with sheets that came straight from the dryer, or better yet, from outside! It’s like being hugged to sleep by your covers. It’s the freshness and cleanness of it all that makes an already enjoyable activity, (sleeping) even more so. Activities you enjoy here, I believe that in Heaven, it will be amplified.

5. Pouring that First Bowl of Your Favorite Cereal - Cereal is my favorite meal. No other food combines both entree and beverage together in one delicious harmony. Now, imagine your favorite cereal. (I’m thinking Honey Bunches of Oats with Strawberries) Imagine that first bowl from a new box, where you try to pour as much as possible into that bowl. From those first spoon-filled bites, to the two-handed slurping of the sugary milk, you cherish the whole ride. No bite was mundane or unnoticed. Moments in heaven will be like this. No boredom. No mundane. All incredible.

What about you? Do you have some everyday activities that make you think of what Heaven may be like?

The Monday Morning High Five

Continuing our list of all things 5 to hopefully bring a smile to your Monday.

I’m not one for car decorations. Not that I haven’t succumbed to the inspirations of the Fast and the Furious in the past and added some sweet Cleveland Browns static clings or stuck glow in the dark stickers on the ceiling of my car. However, now, outside the Tiki guy air freshner that hangs from my rear-view mirror, my car rides pretty plain.

That doesn’t mean though that I’m against “Christianizing” your vehicle, except some don’t know how to properly do it. Plus, there’s no point system to judge each other’s cars to determine who has the more Christian car. So today, that’s going to get fixed.

Get ready to bust out the calculators, because we’re going to have a little contest of our own. After you read this, total up your points, send in a pic of your vehicle to verify, and we’ll announce a winner.

photo by Travis Hornung

So here it is: Five Tips to Christianize Your Ride

1. Keychain – I figured I’d start with the basics. The keychain is like clothes for your keys. It represents what your locked stuff is all about.

• Simple cross +1
• Christian Acronym i.e. WWJD (What Would Jesus Do), FROG (Fully Rely on God), Push (Pray Until Something Happens), etc. +1
• “Jesus is my homeboy” -2 (lame)
• Engraved Bible verse somewhere +3
• Little Bible decal +2
• The Lord’s Prayer +1
• Something to do with human appendages i.e. Praying Hands or Footprints poem +3

2. Ichthus – Often called the “Jesus Fish”, is the ipso facto of Christian markings.

• Ichthus metal decal +1
• Ichthus metal decal with “Jesus” written inside +2
• Ichthus metal decal with “Ichthus” in Greek written inside +3
• Ichthus metal decal with “Darwin” written inside with feet -3 (you bought the wrong one)
• Ichthus metal decal eating “Darwin” fish +4
• Ichthus metal decal representing each member of the family (i.e. Two big ichthuses (?) for mom and dad and little ichthuses for each child) +3 (add +1 for each child and obeying the commandment to be fruitful and multiply)
• Ichthus sticker or static cling -1 (go out and buy the real thing!)

3. Bumper sticker - The bumper sticker is like a Hallmark card given by your car to a complete stranger. You didn’t write it, but you bought it with the intention to show it to someone else to basically point at it and say, “Yeah, what they said.”

• Some reference to the wife – “I love my wife” +1 (-4 if your wife put it on your car)
• Theologically unsound sticker – i.e. “Jesus is my co-pilot” -2 (If there was an option, I’d let Jesus drive)
• Taking mankind down a notch – i.e. “Noah’s Ark was built by amatuers, the Titanic was built by professionals. +2 (Ha! Take that James Cameron)
• Referencing the afterlife – i.e. “Christians Wanted: It’s a tough Job, but the retirement plan is unbelievable” +4
• Deep thought sticker – i.e. “‘Nietzsche is dead.’ -God” +2 (Hehe, philosophy humor)
• Referencing the rapture – i.e. “Warning: In event of Rapture, this vehicle will be unmanned” +1 (-5 if you have ever forgot to put your car in park, allowing it to be moving by itself, freaking a lot of people out with your unmanned vehicle)
• Trying to convict strangers by showing them how awesome you are with a sticker – i.e. “Real men love Jesus” +1 (-4 if your wife put it on your car)
• Evolution smack talk – i.e. “The Big Bang Theory: God said it, and BANG! It Happened” +2 (+10 with Ichthus metal decal eating “Dawin” fish combo!)

(*Note: Jon Acuff did a much better job at the Christian bumper sticker thing than I did. I had the idea of this post before he posted his and wasn’t going to post this until he copied my LOST idea; then I knew it was on like Donkey Kong! )

4. Extras – Here are some extras that you can add to accesorize your vehicle.

• Hitch cover – It’s got to be manly like take The Godfather and it becomes “God the Father” +2
• License Plate Cover – See above bumper sticker point system then add +1; +5 if it’s the name of your church.
• Christian Car Flag +3
• Big Back Window Sticker +4
• Custom License Plate +10 (Don’t forget to drop vowels i.e. “Blssd”, smash words and numbers together i.e. “4given”, or capture a phrase i.e. “C U at Chrch”)
• Other mode of transportation other than car bonus – i.e. motorcycle, boat, scooter, Big Wheels, etc. +10

5. Radio – This is more of a personal touch, but if you turn up the volume really loud, roll down your windows, or offer to drive others around, you can showcase this nifty little X factor.

• Station set to local Christian radio +1
• All memory preset buttons are set to the same local Christian radio station +3
• CD of your pastor’s sermon from last Sunday +4
• No radio because you choose to spend your time in the car and focus on prayer +5
• Christian book in audiobook form +3
• Silly Songs with Larry CD +2
• Silly Songs with Larry CD and you don’t have any children -2

So remember to to tally up your scores and send in the pics of your car and later we’ll…wait…(*holding fingers up to earpiece)…what’s this?…someone already has sent in a pic?…and they achieved the maximum amount of points available?…hold on we’re bringing up the image now…

Winner!

Well, congratulations. Thanks for playing, everyone. For fun though, you can still tell us your score in the comments. Oh and +5 for commenting. +10 for adding something new to the list. Make sure to add that into your total.

Continuing our list of all things 5 to hopefully bring a smile to your Monday.

Let’s face it. Pastors are people; which means pastors, like anyone, can fall under the pressures of getting too big of a head. So for a great way to minister to your pastor you can help to keep him humble. By the way, if you have a hard time grasping sarcasm, you might want to hold tight.

photo by Ash Brian

1. Talk to him about Joel Olsteen -…or any other prominent television pastor. Tell them how much you watch them, and how they’ve blessed your week. Also feel free to throw in that you’re giving your tithe to them. Even if you really don’t, you can’t let him know that.

2. Never, under any circumstance, compliment his sermon – You can’t let him know that his sermon impacted your life. That’s where pastors really start to get an ego. Tell him ways that he could improve. Maybe give him some of your DVDs and books of Joel Olsteen, etc.

3. Let them know how awesome the pastor before them was – If there isn’t a prior pastor, or you didn’t know the prior pastor, you can always constantly request for the assistance of the youth or associate pastor. Basically, just let them know that you think there’s someone else who can do their job better.

4. If you must shake his hand, make sure you Purell your hands in front of him – One of the best ways to keep him humble is to avoid as much contact as possible, but if you shake his hand, send him the message that he didn’t get through to you. Pastors can get germs just like anyone else. Make sure he knows that.

5. Meet any kind of success with crushing pessimism – Granted, your pastor may experience some level of success. (AKA total breeding ground for pride.) Make sure to smash his optimism by finding the bad side to the situation. A lot of people showing up on Sunday morning – Complain about lack of seating/parking. Successful clothing drive – point out how frustratingly unorganized it was. There’s always a bad side to every situation, make sure to bring to light to him and everyone else.

What about you, got any other ways to keep your pastor humble?

LOST is a television show that has, according to their commercials, turned into a “worldwide phenomenon”. If you have ever seen the show, you know you have to watch every episode to kind of understand what’s going on. They can drive a person mad by the way they give you an answer to one question that makes you ask three more in return. Recently it’s turned into a development about the discussion of good and evil, about choice and free will, and even has many biblical themes surrounding the characters.  Books have been written, arguments have been discussed, and people have turned a television show into much more than what it is.

I know many pastors and youth pastors that really like the show LOST. But what if their liking of the show became too much? How would you determine the difference between television show fandom and obsession?

Well, here are five signs to help determine if you pastor has become obsessed with LOST.

1. The Missionaries your church supports are suspiciously all to island countries - The first sign is a sudden interest in islands. (i.e. Philippines, Fiji, the Cayman Islands, Cyprus, etc.) He is also constantly suggesting to take missions trips there. When he does go, he only packs matches, knives, and lots of protein bars. Also, an interest to Sydney, Australia, may start to develop as well.

2.  When speaking, often interchanges the words “sin” and “Benjamin Linus” - i.e. “Don’t let the Benjamin Linus of this world control your life.”, or “It is a Benjamin Linus to lie to others.”

3. Owns a yellow lab retriever named Vincent - Also, Vincent is constantly being lost, and showing up at random times. The LOST obsessed pastor may also say that his favorite animal are polar bears.

4. Every church project is named “The __________ Initiative” - i.e. The Building Initiative, The Valentine’s Day Banquet Initiative, The Winter Camp Initiative, The Pizza Night Initiative, etc. Also may design an octagon logo based on the event. (See right)

5. Worship song selection is based on the numbers 4 8 15 16 23 42 – The LOST obsessed pastor is sneaky and subtle. Could be found in such combinations as 48, 151, 62, 34, 2 Make sure to research well.

What are some other signs that your pastor may be obsessed with LOST?

Continuing our list of all things 5 to hopefully bring a smile to your Monday.

Next Sunday is Valentines Day. A day of showing how much you care for your significant other with candy, flowers, or a heart shaped piece of construction paper. Of course, this day brings a lot of references to love. This week, we’ll be talking all about love here at GodlySheep.  To kick things off, I wanted to highlight some of the unsung heroes at church. If Valentines Day were to have a theme song, I believe it would be “L-O-V-E” made famous by Nat “King” Cole. I thought it would be cool to do a MMH5 with the acronym of “LOVE”. Of course that would leave me one letter short, so I’m going to do what any good Scrabble player does and add “S” at the end to make it a new word. I also thought it would be cool to bring to light some of the unsung ministries in the church. We see the love shown in the Sunday School teacher for their students, or the singer pouring their heart out in words and song, but what about those ministries that you don’t necessarily associate with love?

So here is the Five Unsung Church Ministries That Show LOVE

photo by ScottSchrantz

L is for the way the lavatory’s cleaned – I don’t know one person who would say, “I LOVE cleaning the bathroom, especially public ones!” (I don’t believe that sentence has ever been uttered outside of this post) This is not an enjoyable job. There is no waiting list to be assigned to this duty, but you know what? Someone does it. Someone takes the time, to lovingly scrub the sinks, bowls, and replace everything in a public bathroom that needs regularly replaced. This is someone who loves the church, those who go there, and Christ so much that they are willing to humbly do the job that no one wants. This is possibly the most unglorified servant duty.

O is for the Oatmeal cookies made – Chocolate chip cookies and brownies are the king and queen of the cookie prom that is a church cookie social. Everyone likes them. They are a great crowd pleaser. Oatmeal cookies are the wallflowers. They are the cookie you eat when all the other cookies are gone. Well, hats off to you, Oatmeal cookie baker. You went against the flow and baked to your own tune mixer. You represent every potluck dish that only a few people ate. You took the time, money and effort to make something that you knew was unpopular, but possibly preferred by a select few. Thanks for loving the little guy.

V is very very downright ordinary – This love is found in those who don’t have “musical talent”, or are nervous speaking in front of people, or don’t have a spectacular salvation story. Maybe you just help out in Sunday School, or you’re just a hall monitor, or you just help set up chairs and tables like a trained monkey could do. However, you do it out of love, and you love doing it. God doesn’t view love based on the high or low profileship of  service. You keep being downright ordinary because you’d be surprised how extraordinary ordinary is in God’s eyes.

E is even more than what is convenient – Love happens when someone goes and gives beyond their means. Whether it’s time, money, or service. They give beyond what is expected, what is convenient, what is necessary. Even if it is less than what other people can give and no one ever knows. Love happens in the inconvenient.

S is for the smiles given out liberally – Yesterday, I realized a ministry and service that a guy in our church does that probably no one has thanked him for or even noted. There was no sign up sheet for this service. There was no announcement asking for volunteers, yet it is extremely vital to have in a church. He just did it without being asked or prompted. His service: Being nice. Whenever I see him on Sunday, he’s sincerely happy and excited that my wife and I showed up. And it’s not that my wife and I are that awesome to greet (though we kind of are ), he responds to everyone with this type of kindness. It’s always a joy to meet him in the morning. He spreads his love with smiles and handshakes.

Do you have any other unsung church ministry that shows love?

The Monday Morning High Five

Continuing our list of all things 5 to hopefully bring a smile to your Monday.

Apple has been known to do things well. A slogan for their products has been, “It just works”. Wouldn’t that be great for someone to say about the church? Apple could help us out on that “cool” appeal that we so desperately want. Hey, we’ve already got the smugness down. I thought I would suggest an alternate reality were Apple, Inc. wasn’t as much interested in computers as much as they were in church. Of course, the first thing to change would be the name.

So, welcome to the iChurch.

1. The Service – Before each Sunday, there would be a lot of hype and secrecy over what sermon is going to be preached and what the topic will be. “Will they talk about my sin?” “I hope we get an updated version of last year’s sermon.” Pundits, blogs, and “those familiar with the matter” would hypothesize and guess what’s going to be unveiled on Sunday. Disappointment and frustration typically ensues after the congregation finds out it’s not exactly what they wanted. Often, when you think that the sermon is over, you’ll hear, “Oh, there’s one more thing”, and you’re hit with another surprise final point.

2. The Book of Job – When referring to the book of Job, it must first be pronounced as it is spelled (Jawb) and no longer “Joeb”. If you feel the compulsion to add “Steve” in front of it and make it plural, no one will judge you.

3. The Building - The building would be a beautiful design to match the service. It would be made out of a solid, unibody piece of aluminum with  a glowing Apple logo on the side.  Artwork inside would be the depiction of Good vs Evil with these guys —>

4. Choir – The traditional choir robes would be replaced with black turtle necks, jeans, and white sneakers. Black or dark socks are preferred.

5. Song Service – During the worship service and before each song, a small offering is set that you can purchase each hymn for $1.29, or the entire song service for $9.99. iTunes gift cards are accepted.

Is there anything else that you would add to the iChurch?

The Monday Morning High Five

Continuing our list of all things 5 to hopefully bring a smile to your Monday.

You’re in church, the pastor is preaching, and then you notice it. Maybe it was a flash of lightning, or a rolling thunder growl, or the pitter patter of drops on the window; but you realize that the sermon is about done, and it is a torrential downpour of rain outside. What do you do? I figured that I would present to you a point system to tell just how well you handle the rain after the service. This is also taking into account that unless you’re the Penguin or Mary Poppins, chances are you don’t bring an umbrella everywhere you go.

photo by consumerfriendly

So here are five ways people handle a downpour of rain after the church service:

1. The Sacrifice (35 points)  - This is where one person, called, “The Chosen One”, is picked either by popular vote, a drawing of the shortest straw, or volunteered to be the one to face the rain, go out to the car by themselves, and bring it back to the rest of the group. (extra +15 points if you are your family’s Chosen One. +20 if you convince someone else to be the family’s Chosen One.)

2. The Olympian (25 points) – Here, the parties involved sprint as fast as possible across the parking lot. Also, it is expected that they hurdle puddles and cars when applicable. (+10 points if you are humming the Olympic theme song while running/hurdling. +50 points if done in heels.)

3. The Superman (20 points) – A coat is great to use as cover; except when it’s raining it doesn’t protect the most vital and least rain resistant part of your body: the head. The Superman is when you take the coat and hold it above your head while the tail of the coat waves heroically in the breeze of your run. (+1,000 points if your coat already looks like Superman’s cape.  -30 points if you trip and fall while doing this. Very anti-Superman)

4. The Wait Out (30 points) – Sure it’s raining now, but it’s got to end…sometime. You make the choice to wait in the protection of the church building for the rain to let up.  Here lies the ultimate battle of man vs nature. Who can hold out longer? You or the rain? (+25 points if you wait out the pastor.  -55 points if you have to “bunker down for the night”)

5. The Book Cover (10 points) – This is similar to The Superman, but in place of a coat, you use a book or notebook instead (-5 points if you use your child’s Sunday school project.  -20 points if you use your Bible.  Shame on you.  +10 if you own a moleskin large enough for proper covering.)

So, how do you stack up? Do you have any other ways you handle rain after a church service?

The Monday Morning High Five

Continuing our list of all things 5 to hopefully bring a smile to your Monday.

If I’m sitting down with a pen in one hand, and a church bulletin in the other, doodles will be drawn. For me, doodling has nothing to do with boredom or lack of attention. Doodling actually helps me to pay attention. It helps my mind stay focused. Otherwise, I’m off creating Monday Morning High Five lists, thinking of how much I hate the word “irreguardless”, or wondering how long my beard would grow if I just stopped shaving.  But I digress…

I do take a lot of sermon notes, but during the down time, I doodle.  Here’s five types of doodles that often make their way onto the piece of paper in front of me.

1. The Classics – These are the oldies, but goodies. The bubbly daisies, the five point stars, the transparent 3-D cubes, these are the tried and true. Also, you can always fill in all the letters with enclosed circles in them. Some people just go for the “D”s, “B”s, and “O”s, but any and every letter with an enclosed circle in it must be filled in when I’m in “The Zone”. No little “e” or lower case “a” is left behind. They are the go-to doodles when I’m waiting for true doodle creativity to strike.

2. The Photo – Any photo in a bulletin is the sticks and matches for a creative doodle fire. Any smiling face is met with a tweedly mustache and a Monopoly man monocle. Of course there’s the eye patch, blacked out tooth, Viking horn helmet, or a dashing toupee, etc. that can be added. If it’s a building or landscape, maybe you add a nice apple tree, or kids playing hop-scotch, or a killer above ground pool with a swirling slide and pool noodles… The possibilities are endless!

3. The Crazy Weird Monster – Maybe you were actually trying to draw a dog or monkey, but half-way in you realized that this looked like nothing of this world. So you try to pass it off as just a monster that you came up with. If you’re struggling in how to improve on your monster, here’s some helpful tips:

• Give him tiny arms. Tentacles are ok too.
• Give him a passive, unimpressed look.
• Give him people clothes (ie. a nice shirt and tie or a Jason Mraz Fedora)

4. The Autograph – This is when I try out different variations of my signature, or I work on speeding up my signature time. I try out an elaborate swoop on my “T”s, the fancy underline of my name, or I’ll add my basketball number in the event the Cleveland Cavaliers FINALLY sign me as their back up point guard.

5. The Stick Figure - My stick figures have accomplished some incredible feats. They ski down large “J”s, they play pickup games of basketball, they yodel, and even travel to the moon. Anything can be accomplished by living vicariously through these skinny, faceless lemmings. My favorites are when I can incorporate the stick figures in with the words or clip arts on the bulletin. Maybe one is sliding down the inside of the letter “C” in “Church”, while another is noshing on the pot luck announcement graphic. With stick figures, who knows what will happen!

I’m sure you have some much better doodles than I do. What are some of your favorites?