Monday Morning High Five: Five Ways To Open Candy In Church edition

nataliej via Flickr

Continuing our list of all things 5 to hopefully bring a smile to your Monday.

So, here I am, sitting church, enjoying a good sermon. Next thing I know, I notice that I can taste coffee on my breath and realize that I could use a mint. (and when I say “realize” I mean “My wife is telling me”) So I go for my pocket, towards my one vice, LifeSaver Wint-O-Green mints. But wait! I’m in church, and those awesome, individually wrapped candies are just that, individually wrapped.  Catch-22.  I want my breath to smell great while satisfying my sweet tooth, but I don’t want to be a disruption in the service (or share with everyone in my row).  What are my options? Waiting till the end of service is out of the question. This piece of candy needs to be in my mouth now.

These experiences have led me to write the five ways you can open up candy in church.

1. The Unaware

This is all wrong, wrong, wrong. This happens when people are unaware that there is any noise going on when opening a piece of candy.  They might as well have opened it on the platform next to a microphone.  Everyone within earshot is watching them struggle at getting that Werther’s Original open.  Not only did this disrupt others, but now everyone is wanting some butterscotchy goodness. Now, I will vouch for the people who momentarily forgot where they were.  I’ve done this, and didn’t realize that I was causing the disturbance until I felt the icy, candy desiring glare from those around me.

2. The Easy-Does-It

Honestly, this is amateur hour here. These are the same people who wade into the water one inch at a time saying, “I’m letting my body adjust to the temperature!”.  This technique does not work. With candy, you are now extending the wrapper noise even longer. There seems to be an urban legend that says that if you try to open something slow enough, it will not make any noise at all. Sorry, unless you want that piece of candy sometime during the current service, you’ll have to go faster than that.

3. The Coughing Fit

Extra points for creativity here! It makes sense, mask that annoying crinkle sound with a quick coughing fit.  *cough (twist) *COUGH cough (twist, twist).  Theoretically, it should work quite well. However, if implemented during a church service, you will still hear the wrapper, and now there’s a cough attached to it. It is now twice the noise, but fellow candy eaters will nod and smile at your innovation.

4. During Worship Service

This is, hands down, the best time during a church service to open a piece of candy. With all the noise going on, you could get out some TicTacs without anyone noticing! If you do take this approach, you’ll have to remember a few things in order to pull this off effectively: 1.) Open up all the candy now that you think you’ll eat during the service. 2.) Store all said candy in your cheeks for later like a chipmunk.  You’ll be able to access them during the service and keep them from getting dirty. 3.) Don’t sing. The last thing people want is a colorful wad of Skittles in their hair during their worship service.

The one downside to this is if you didn’t stash enough in your mouth to last you the whole service.  In the event that this happens, you’re back at square one.

5. The Behind the Knee [advanced candy eaters only]

Welcome to the big leagues of opening candy during church, my friend.  Only the pros go with this technique.  I learned it from my brother-in-law, and after perfecting it myself, I could have a full-course meal in my pew without anyone noticing.  Here’s what you do: After getting the candy of your choice, hide it behind your knee.  You can now open it with both hands, and the sound is absorbed and contained by the formation that your hands and knee makes. You have both hands available to open the piece, and the sound is minute if any.  It may take some practice, but this has been my go-to move when I’m in the need for a candy fix.

What about you? How do you open up candy during church?

Related posts:

1. Monday Morning High Five: Church Softball edition
2. Monday Morning High Five: Top Five Christian “Costumes”
3. Monday Morning High Five: The Five Sins That Don’t Count When Traveling edition
4. Monday Morning High Five! – Things You’ll Never Hear In Church edition